(00)7 Things Wrong with Spectre
Following on from an impeccable movie in a franchise is a difficult one: The expectations are damn near impossible to navigate. There is always someone you’d let down, especially those with hot and boiling anticipation quaking throughout them. Skyfall, the 23rd Bond Movie that celebrated fifty years of James Bond and brought an emotional weight to the action-packed movie series was one of the best spy adventures of all time and pleased everyone from old die-hard fans to new people venturing into the world of espionage.
It was the dog’s bollocks, basically.
So there was a lot of pressure riding on Spectre to continue this success with director Sam Mendes but it woefully didn’t…
Here are (00)7 things wrong with film that could’ve been so much better. (And yes, there are spoilers.)
Sam Smith’s Theme Song
Similarly to what I said about following Skyfall, Sam Smith had the immense job of competing with Adele and the only Bond song to ever win an Oscar. Do you understand how massive that is? Even Shirley Bassey didn’t win an Oscar and she’s Shirley friggen’ Bassey! Ok. So how do you follow this mightiness? By writing the whiniest tune of the Bond series. Now, I don’t want to take anything away from Sam Smith as an artist because he’s done extremely well. And true, there are people who really like him. He’s just not my cup of tea. Yet it seems that for Spectre, he has written his worst song and it is certainly the most irritating Bond theme. Unable to reach the lofty heights of many predecessors, Sam Smith’s falsetto tones ring out like fingernails on a chalkboard. The song builds into this screech that shudders through you so much that the opening title sequence is a painful experience (or adequate loo break.)
Underuse of Great Actors.
About a year and a half ago, Spectre announced their cast and everyone proceeded to have white stains in their underwear. Added to the former roster of Daniel Craig, Rory Kinnear, Ben Wishaw, and Ralph Fiennes were the likes of Monica Bellucci, Dave Bautista, Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, and Andrew Scott. Apart from Craig, Seydoux, and Bautista, the rest have about five minutes on screen. Heck, Waltz only has roughly fifteen minutes which is shocking for the big bad he is supposed to be. It’s astonishing to see so many talented actors wasted. Bellucci and Scott are the most frustrating. The former because she literally has one sex scene with Bond and is forgotten about forever. The latter because he is billed as this excellent secondary villain but never gets to utilise his talents enough for that, woefully left at the bottom of a stairwell. It feels like a case of too many cooks spoil the broth and someone’s would have to end up being wasted. Sadly, it was a bunch of them.
Blofield
This was pretty much the world’s worst kept secret. I mean, the minute Christoph Waltz was announced, we all rolled our eyes and went “he’s definitely Blofeld.” Despite the fact the director and the actors heavily denied it (they did the same for Khan so we were pretty clued upon on the whole “actors lie” thing,) it was so obvious that, when the reveal happened, we just shrugged. The awful thing was that it was clearly meant to make our stomachs lurch in excitement but there was nothing; just a faint glimmer of nostalgia. Not only that but he wasn’t terrifying. Waltz is a capable actor but here, his talents are wasted as he appears for a few moments. There is no terror being held over us or a shiver of fright like Silva captured; the aforementioned baddy of Skyfall really lingered when he wasn’t on the screen…
Although, I will say this, Christoph Waltz’ battle scar following the explosion - really transforming him into the one eyed villain - was amazingly dark. Other than that, the whole handling of the classic villain was subpar and unsurprising.
Bond’s Backstory
What would of worked best for Spectre was to parade Blofeld around like it’s the films biggest attraction and work Bond’s backstory as the secret. See, what happened to this poorly constructed film was that the brotherly connection between Franz Obenhauser and Bond was never fully realised to the extent that no one felt chills that the hero and baddie had a rich history. In fact, apart from quick reveals, Bond really doesn’t seem to care beyond a few gurns. They are two adopted brothers after the death of Bond’s real parents and the other feeling so utterly usurped that he became a maniacal genius. Yet they treat it like any other family reunions where there’s an awkward handshake, a quick catch up, and that’s it. It’s hardly the big spectre-cle that we were all expecting.
Torturous Torture
So the most unsurprising secret was revealed and the emotional weight of their meeting was underplayed. By now, we were already feeling lacklustre with Blofeld. However, surely, Blofeld was going to place our suave hero into a perilous position, harking back to the original cheesier series. Laser sharks and everything. Or perhaps Blofeld was going to taunt and deride Bond? I mean, it’s Christoph Waltz! He made you wet your pants in fear from a single line in Inglourious Basterds. Yet in Spectre the big instrument of pain turned out to be a farce. Blofeld traps him in a mental contraption and drills holes in his brain to affect certain areas of Bond’s body. For example, one is supposed to make him discombobulated with no balance. The other is to make him forget people’s faces or something to that effect. Except it hasn’t a single effect on Bond - at all. No running like a drunk person and no forgetting Swan. This could be to show Bond as a resilient agent, it just translates this Blofeld as a rather pathetic bad guy who can’t even torture properly.
Love, Love, Love
We all lamented on those Disney Princesses and Princes who fall in love with each other after a handful of days. The unrealistic representation of romance really irks us. Add that to Bond’s flavour of the month approach to women and it seems silly to sandwich a love affair onto the bones of his misogyny. Not only that but Madeline Swan had pretty much announced her disdain for the spy, yet would later jump his aforementioned bones after a fight on a train. All of a sudden, they are in love - to the extent that Blofeld attempts to abuse it. Excuse you, but where did that come from? A matter of moments together leads to Bond quitting his job and absconding with Swan?
It was almost trying to make up for the lack of M but did nothing except make us miss Judi Dench more.
The lack of Judi Dench
Speaking of which - Judi Dench. Oh, come back to the Bond series Dench! It certainly hurts a whole lot more watching Skyfall - knowing she’ll inevitably snuff it and we’ll have to live of double O lives without her. Judi Dench put an impressive stamp on the Bond series to the point where she introduced a strong, feminist character who is unwilling to take shit. Without her, all we’re relying on is Daniel Craig and the remnants of her character to carry us forward (and the replacement representation of women is appalling. Well done for bringing the worst of the “golden era of Bond” back into our lives.) Any movie that doesn’t feature Dench is a sorry state of affairs - her absence in Spectre irks us most.
Spectre is out on DVD and Blu-ray now!