The Loft (2014)
There are films out there that you know you are going to hate even before they have been released. Perhaps the title is a little garish or the premise is a bit shite. Maybe the cast who populate the film are just goddamn awful or maybe you have heard all the terrible things about the movie and it has dampened your glee for it.
In truly special occasions that make you queef your pants, but , it’s a combination of all of these things where every single angle makes you shudder in disbelief. The Loft is that type of movie.
I can tell you why I ended up watching this horrendous film but I won’t because I don’t want to incriminate person who was willing to watch this garb.
The basic premise of The Loft revolves around five men who invest in a flat together so they can take all their mistresses and one night stands up there without ever alerting their wives. Gross, right? Anyway, one morning they come across a dead girl sprawled on the bed. With no idea who she is or how she got there, the five must unravel the truth and uncover the sinister secrets they’ve been keeping from each other. Welp!
Why is it Bad?
The characters are the worst. The situation is appalling. The entire plot is shoddy. And the twist is a joke. There is nothing of much substance. The whole idea is sickening. Think about it; this leery cheating scumbags enter into a flat-sharing agreement where they can each take turns in sleeping with other woman. That’s the whole plot and apparently we are supposed to feel sorry for them when a dead body rocks up on the soiled sheets. These guys spend the entire time trying to find excuses for their behaviour whilst ceremoniously fucking whatever ass saunters their way. These garish, sub-human dudes drink, take drugs, and are generally these little shits but because they are played by the likes of Karl Urban and Matthew Marsden, we’re supposed to care for them? Nah mate, jog on!
Oh, and one of them rapes a sex worker and the others cover it up because it will all come out they’ve dipped their penises in other vaginas. This is a disgraceful film.
Why is it Good?
Now hold on one minute, I’m not saying it is good and worth a watch. Heck, I don’t even know why I’m talking about it because clearly I wanted to ward people off this tripe of a film. However, if I were forced to say something pleasing about this movie it is the aesthetics, camera usage, and cinematography. For a shite film, it certainly has kinetic camera work. Director Erik Van Loby’s skills are heavily wasted here because how he positions a scene and allows the framing to translate the intensity is engaging and definitely something to look out for. Perhaps The Loft is something for his show-reel, at least something can come out of it.
With the exception of Matthias Schoenaerts (and possibly Karl Urban), The Loft is a prime example of has been or wannabe actors failing miserably. Clearly Eric Stonestreet wanted something utterly different than camp Cam in Modern Family and Matthew Marsden is trying so desperately hard to stay afloat. Remember when he was Cyclops? Or Prince Edward. What happened man!
The Loft is a lacklustre and sordid affair that is more suited for the basement….